morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
