I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
