i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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