my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
