oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
