Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
