so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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