My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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