1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
