Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Mom said you looked used
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
