I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
