I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
