You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
