Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
