and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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