I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
