FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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