4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
