Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
