I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
