I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
