new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
