Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
