we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
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I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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