Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
