He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
