the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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