i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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