you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
