I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
