My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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