last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
