yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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