There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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