well you can't waste a boner
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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