i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
