I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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