Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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