Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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