none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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