Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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