I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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