I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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