his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
