I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
