College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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