she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
