hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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