I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
