90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
