i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
