I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
