You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
