It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
