The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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