there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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