After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
