Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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