If i come over, it means nothing
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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